I have not used netflix instant for fourteen days so far! It seems to be going well, but it seems to me as if it has been much longer than just 14 days. Wasn't it just a few days that I spent so much time rationalizing why I could watch just one more episode, just 15 more minutes?
My time away from netflix has paid off! I've been more productive, but more importantly I've spent more time contemplating myself and my problems and started to work out some important things. Over spring break (last week) I had time to reexamine my academic plan and hopefully set it on a straighter path. Turns out if you spend more time thinking about God's plan and listening for His guidance, you find yourself moving toward a destination! That being said though, I do think I can spend more time really thinking about my relationship with God and a little less time treating lent as a time for me to catch up on my homework.
However, I've noticed over the past few days I've been starting to slack off a bit and even regress--- not officially, I haven't been sneaking onto netflix instant, but I have been lapsing into long periods of playing Farm Frenzy on yahoo games or reading the latest entertainment gossip or facebook stalking my friends. Unabashedly, this is all about me avoiding doing what I am supposed to be doing, which worries me because that is essentially what my netflix problem was all about. Basically: DANGER LAURA DANGER!!!!!
Often when I failed to excel at something or complete a task properly, my mother would often complain that I was "sabotaging myself." This always upset me a lot because she was accusing me of "not really wanting to do well" and that I had purposefully nobbled my own efforts because I subconsciously did not want to accomplish whatever I was feigning to do. For example, if I did poorly in a track race, it was because I had sabotaging myself by not following a proper warm-up and stretching regimen because I didn't really want to improve because if I got better I would have to work harder (what I really wanted was to be lazy, I guess). As a result, I've always hated this particular brand of psychological explanation.
However, last year, I heard this concept explained in a much better (less blaming, moralizing) way in an episode of the television show Huge, a show set in a teen weight-loss camp. The camp director explains that often after a period of progress, many people will find themselves suddenly falling back into their old unhealthy habits. They know their behaviors are unhealthy and are undoing what they have accomplished so far, but they do them anyway. She explains that we self-sabotage because there is a large part of us that is more comfortable with pain, unhappiness, anxiety, whatever---- we know that we can live with these things because we've developed coping mechanisms, but we are not so sure we know how to live with success, happiness, productivity etc.--- it's kinda frightening!
The essential differences between my mother's application of self-sabotage and that of the tv camp director is this focus on lack of belief and fear. We don't self-sabotage because of some kind of lying about our motivation and negative character attributes; we truly do want what we are striving for, we just do not believe that we can attain it or that we will know how to survive if we change our lifestyle, one without our crutches.
As I find myself slipping into other potentially-unhealthy habits, I wonder if this is what is going on with me. I've gotten so accustomed to being disfunctional that the prospect of actually being functional seems impossible to me, even as I am accomplishing it. Believing in yourself can be really hard, especially when progress is slow and plodding and it is tempting to settle for the small distance we've managed to stumble. And I think this is when God and faith comes in. He knows that we are worthy, He knows that we are capable of more, and upon this we can build the faith and hope that keep us believing and keep us moving.
Remarkably enough, the "Question the Week" in my parish bulletin: Do you deserve God's favor? Do you accept it wholeheartedly regardless of your feelings of unworthiness?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Netflix Neutrality: Day 5 by Laura
Today I decided to tackle the procrastination element of netflix problem. Avoiding netflix instant has provided me time to do a lot of things, like reading the newspaper or sleeping, but the whole point of this was to get me back on track doing productive things and cultivating myself and my faith.
I'm not overly pleased with my productivity today--- I spent a lot of time doing nothing on facebook and sleeping--- but it finally occurred to me that I am setting myself up to merely replace my netflix-watching habits with other avoidance behaviors. It has come time for me to get over patting myself on the back for fasting from netflix and to begin tackling the bigger obstacles that netflix instant represents.
So, in the spirit of "why do tomorrow what you can do today" I set about sending some important emails, making a few appointments, and starting a fellowship application I want to finish before the end of the week. I could have accomplished more, but I am glad that I've set a higher standard for myself that I can strive for tomorrow.
It is important not to get complacent and comfortable with the small amount of progress I make. It is also important to get over the fears that may be keeping me back from accomplishing other things on my to-do list. With Jesus at my side, whom should I fear? While I'm having trouble being sure of myself, I should remember that I can be sure of Him, and He won't lead me astray. I've got to practice looking for Christ in all those small moments of struggle and temptation; remembering He is with me makes everything remarkably easier!
I'm not overly pleased with my productivity today--- I spent a lot of time doing nothing on facebook and sleeping--- but it finally occurred to me that I am setting myself up to merely replace my netflix-watching habits with other avoidance behaviors. It has come time for me to get over patting myself on the back for fasting from netflix and to begin tackling the bigger obstacles that netflix instant represents.
So, in the spirit of "why do tomorrow what you can do today" I set about sending some important emails, making a few appointments, and starting a fellowship application I want to finish before the end of the week. I could have accomplished more, but I am glad that I've set a higher standard for myself that I can strive for tomorrow.
It is important not to get complacent and comfortable with the small amount of progress I make. It is also important to get over the fears that may be keeping me back from accomplishing other things on my to-do list. With Jesus at my side, whom should I fear? While I'm having trouble being sure of myself, I should remember that I can be sure of Him, and He won't lead me astray. I've got to practice looking for Christ in all those small moments of struggle and temptation; remembering He is with me makes everything remarkably easier!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Netflix Neutrality: Day 3 by Laura
I've been fasting from netflix instant for three days now. So far it has been going pretty well, but I cannot attribute this to my doing completely. As it is the first day of my spring break, I do not have any immediate tasks that I would usually be actively avoiding. Also, my family has decided to dedicate the weekend to doing the taxes, so I've been preoccupied with that, and since it has become something of a group activity as we ferret out various misplaced documents around the house, it's been easy to stay on task.
However, this does not mean I've not been thinking about netflix. Whenever I've had some free time, watching something on netflix instant is still the first thing that pops into my head, and I have to take a moment to remind myself that I'm making a healthy choice to fast from netflix instant and must think of something else to do. Some of the things I've found to do are reading some Flannery O'Connor (#2 on my Things to Do Instead of Watch Netflix Instant list) and practice the piano (#14)--- though unfortunately as soon as I began playing the piano everyone else in the household hastily retreated to the far reaches of the house and closed their doors, so that was a bit discouraging. I know my rendition of Everything I Do I Do for You was far from inspired, but I do not think did not warranted such a unappreciative reception.
I've also taken a small amount of time to think about myself, which was rather unpleasant. Some of the unpleasantness stems from a sentiment I recently discussed with a friend. Although we both try to live busy, constructive lives, we couldn't help but feel irrelevant. As people with interdisciplinary backgrounds and interests, we've both have difficulty explaining to other people (especially concisely) whether casually or formally why the work we do is important and that we are capable, skilled individuals. As I said to my friend, "I think I'm good at a lot of things, but not at anything that seems to matter very much." Both of us feel dissatisfied with our jobs which that draw on only a small subsection of our skills set and which provide little opportunity for expanding our work in ways that would help us feel like we were really doing something worthwhile. Instead, we go to work knowing that there is nothing special about us that helps us get the job done. Some one else could just as easily take over.
So to return to my self-contemplation, it is unsettling to look at myself and see that, to put it bluntly, I do not really matter. No one wants what I have to offer, and what I am finding to contribute doesn't matter either because someone else could just as easily replace me. I might as well be someone else; in fact, if I want to be relevant, I probably should try to make myself more like someone else, and less like pointless me.
Well, this is a rather bleak bit of existentialism to swallow personally, let alone force upon other people in a blog post! So I concluded, there has must be another, less depressing perspective on this problem. So I looked for something to give me some guidance and at a bit at a loss, I looked up today's reading on www.sacredspace.ie, Luke 5:27-32.
It is the familiar story of Jesus eating with the TAX COLLECTOR! **gasp gasp** and how the Pharisees could not understand why Jesus would spend time with such a sinner instead of people who were actually trying and succeeding to live good, moral lives.
Although I have always liked this story a lot, my first reaction to reading this was: This has nothing to do with my problem. It's all about not judging other people and not being prideful, but this has nothing to do with my feelings of irrelevance and worthlessness. Geez, God couldn't you provide a gospel passage that would actually help me? Thanks for nothing!
Luckily, the sacredspace has a little "Need Inspiration?" option for those of us being lazy and difficult. So I found myself reading: "The Pharisees strove to live good lives but went astray when they used their own lives as the measure against which to judge everyone else. How judgemental am I if I notice others who have gone astray - as I see it?"
My first thought was: I'm not judging other people. I'm too preoccupied appraising myself.
But, this reminded me of an earlier reaction I had to the "something to pray about this week" blurb that begins the sacredspace prayers. The blurb introduced the idea of thinking about Lent as "going into the desert" where you are forced to get down to essential truths. "In the desert - our illusions taken away, leaving us exposed and vulnerable - we find, not nothingness, but the living God."
My reaction had been: "I dunno, sacredspace administrators. When I get down to the essentials, I feel like I actually am finding nothingness." And as I said earlier in my reaction to the gospel, finding this nothingness was completely preoccupying me.
In fact, if I had been around when Jesus walked through the town square (or wherever Levi was collecting taxes) and called Levi to come follow him, I don't think I would even have noticed, much less have an opinion about it. I would have completely missed out on the event, the scandal that followed, and the lesson Jesus taught from it all. What's more, I don't even think I would have noticed if He had called me! I would have been far too busy wallowing in self-hatred for not living up to the standards of the Pharisees, the standard of their own lives and value systems which while not bad or wrong, are not the standards that uncover the true quality of a person or a life.
The Pharisees and I have the same fundamental problem: we are using the wrong standard to measure ourselves. We are using the appraisal methodology of the world (or our own), and not that of Christ. When He looks for the essential me, He doesn't seen nothingness. But I am too dedicated to using other standards to see what He sees and to see the gifts He's given me.
Realizing this has helped me remember that God made me, and that deep down I really do have something, I can find the Spirit living in me and I can find the living God. Just because I can't see anything, does not mean that there is nothing there. I've got to get back to seeing as Christ sees, especially when looking at myself, and let Him shine light into my darkness.
So the moral of the story is far from bleak after all, instead it is full of hope, God's love, and my little bit of faith. And it is also great to find out that I really can rely on the gospel to "actually help me" even if it does not look like it at first.
However, this does not mean I've not been thinking about netflix. Whenever I've had some free time, watching something on netflix instant is still the first thing that pops into my head, and I have to take a moment to remind myself that I'm making a healthy choice to fast from netflix instant and must think of something else to do. Some of the things I've found to do are reading some Flannery O'Connor (#2 on my Things to Do Instead of Watch Netflix Instant list) and practice the piano (#14)--- though unfortunately as soon as I began playing the piano everyone else in the household hastily retreated to the far reaches of the house and closed their doors, so that was a bit discouraging. I know my rendition of Everything I Do I Do for You was far from inspired, but I do not think did not warranted such a unappreciative reception.
I've also taken a small amount of time to think about myself, which was rather unpleasant. Some of the unpleasantness stems from a sentiment I recently discussed with a friend. Although we both try to live busy, constructive lives, we couldn't help but feel irrelevant. As people with interdisciplinary backgrounds and interests, we've both have difficulty explaining to other people (especially concisely) whether casually or formally why the work we do is important and that we are capable, skilled individuals. As I said to my friend, "I think I'm good at a lot of things, but not at anything that seems to matter very much." Both of us feel dissatisfied with our jobs which that draw on only a small subsection of our skills set and which provide little opportunity for expanding our work in ways that would help us feel like we were really doing something worthwhile. Instead, we go to work knowing that there is nothing special about us that helps us get the job done. Some one else could just as easily take over.
So to return to my self-contemplation, it is unsettling to look at myself and see that, to put it bluntly, I do not really matter. No one wants what I have to offer, and what I am finding to contribute doesn't matter either because someone else could just as easily replace me. I might as well be someone else; in fact, if I want to be relevant, I probably should try to make myself more like someone else, and less like pointless me.
Well, this is a rather bleak bit of existentialism to swallow personally, let alone force upon other people in a blog post! So I concluded, there has must be another, less depressing perspective on this problem. So I looked for something to give me some guidance and at a bit at a loss, I looked up today's reading on www.sacredspace.ie, Luke 5:27-32.
It is the familiar story of Jesus eating with the TAX COLLECTOR! **gasp gasp** and how the Pharisees could not understand why Jesus would spend time with such a sinner instead of people who were actually trying and succeeding to live good, moral lives.
Although I have always liked this story a lot, my first reaction to reading this was: This has nothing to do with my problem. It's all about not judging other people and not being prideful, but this has nothing to do with my feelings of irrelevance and worthlessness. Geez, God couldn't you provide a gospel passage that would actually help me? Thanks for nothing!
Luckily, the sacredspace has a little "Need Inspiration?" option for those of us being lazy and difficult. So I found myself reading: "The Pharisees strove to live good lives but went astray when they used their own lives as the measure against which to judge everyone else. How judgemental am I if I notice others who have gone astray - as I see it?"
My first thought was: I'm not judging other people. I'm too preoccupied appraising myself.
But, this reminded me of an earlier reaction I had to the "something to pray about this week" blurb that begins the sacredspace prayers. The blurb introduced the idea of thinking about Lent as "going into the desert" where you are forced to get down to essential truths. "In the desert - our illusions taken away, leaving us exposed and vulnerable - we find, not nothingness, but the living God."
My reaction had been: "I dunno, sacredspace administrators. When I get down to the essentials, I feel like I actually am finding nothingness." And as I said earlier in my reaction to the gospel, finding this nothingness was completely preoccupying me.
In fact, if I had been around when Jesus walked through the town square (or wherever Levi was collecting taxes) and called Levi to come follow him, I don't think I would even have noticed, much less have an opinion about it. I would have completely missed out on the event, the scandal that followed, and the lesson Jesus taught from it all. What's more, I don't even think I would have noticed if He had called me! I would have been far too busy wallowing in self-hatred for not living up to the standards of the Pharisees, the standard of their own lives and value systems which while not bad or wrong, are not the standards that uncover the true quality of a person or a life.
The Pharisees and I have the same fundamental problem: we are using the wrong standard to measure ourselves. We are using the appraisal methodology of the world (or our own), and not that of Christ. When He looks for the essential me, He doesn't seen nothingness. But I am too dedicated to using other standards to see what He sees and to see the gifts He's given me.
Realizing this has helped me remember that God made me, and that deep down I really do have something, I can find the Spirit living in me and I can find the living God. Just because I can't see anything, does not mean that there is nothing there. I've got to get back to seeing as Christ sees, especially when looking at myself, and let Him shine light into my darkness.
So the moral of the story is far from bleak after all, instead it is full of hope, God's love, and my little bit of faith. And it is also great to find out that I really can rely on the gospel to "actually help me" even if it does not look like it at first.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Netflix Neutrality: Day 1 by Laura
This Lent I am attempting to sever ties with netflix instant watching. To some, this may seem like a weirdly specific thing to choose (although to those that know me, perhaps not), but my dependence upon Netflix instant watching is an element of my life that need some serious overhaul.
So why netflix instant watching? Well, what to many people is just a means of entertainment and art has become a unhealthy and even harmful habit for me. It has become a crutch, in many ways.
Firstly, it is a procrastination crutch. I waste a colossal amount of time watching movies and tv on netflix instant. I have actually watched so much on netflix instant that I have almost literally watched everything that I would want to watch, and am now watching stuff I don't even like. But I watch it anyway so I do not have face the challenges of doing my work. Who knows what I could accomplishing if I actually spent that time on things that were productive and important? I could probably accomplish a lot, but by procrastinating I am not only failing to live up to my potential and cultivating the talents and skills God has given me, but I am also giving myself an easy excuse not to challenge myself. If I do a bad job on something, with this lifestyle I can easily blame it on procrastination. By relying on procrastination and not trying, I avoid looking for areas where I need to improve. Instead of actively contributing to my own development and the work I do, I allow myself to live in fearful denial of my weaknesses. This doesn't help anyone, especially me.
Secondly, it is an emotional crutch. Post-undergrad life is challenging and stressful. I know I am not alone in this sentiment. But after graduating, we feel like we are supposed to know exactly what we are doing. We are supposed to have our lives organized. We are supposed to have steady jobs. We are supposed to be accomplishing all those things we've always dreamed about. That's what we spent the last for years of our lives preparing to do, right? Well yes and no. For many of us, there are a lot of things college did not prepare us for. Our surefootedness in academia does not always translate to solid ground in other arenas. And discovering this is depressing and frustrating, while at the same time we feel like we must smile, put on a brave face, and act like everything is fine. As an emotional person, this is hard to deal with for me. Watching emotional movies and television is sometimes helpful for me, because it lets me get rid of some of that emotional repression. If I'm crying over the death of Romeo & Juliet, it might help take the edge off of my angst over problem areas in my life. But becoming reliant on this surrogate catharsis is not helpful because 1) it perpetuates a cycle of unhealthy repression, and 2) it doesn't stimulate me to address what is really upsetting me in my life. The problems in the movie are finite because the movie will end, but the problems in my life will continue until I address them.
This brings me to my third crutch: avoidance. By absorbing my time, energy, and attention in watching netflix instant, I get to avoid dealing with my own life. I avoid doing difficult work, I avoid doing my errands, I avoid dealing with my own feelings, I avoid dealing with other people and the demands they might make of me, I avoid trying to understand the crazy bureaucratic rules of my master's program . . . I avoid my life. This is not good. I need to be an active participant in my own life. And deep down I know that I am, and that my active inactivity is getting my nowhere fast. I know that I am propping myself on unsteady crutches out of my own fear, self-indulgence and apathy, and this knowledge makes me feel worse. So, netflix instant is not only part of the problem, but it enables the problem and makes it worse. Clearly a terrible coping mechanism!
Therefore when I say I am 'giving up netflix instant' I am actually saying I am going to try to alter this unhealthy mindset and lifestyle. Several months ago in an attempt to break this cycle I made a "List of Things to Do Instead of Watch TV, Internet Video, and Netflix." This Lent I hope to try some of those things on my list and add to some items to it. Working on this area of my life, I know will bring me closer to finding satisfaction and help me listen to God and get on board with the plans He has for me.
But I definitely cannot do this on my own. I'm going to need a large and noisy cheering section.
So why netflix instant watching? Well, what to many people is just a means of entertainment and art has become a unhealthy and even harmful habit for me. It has become a crutch, in many ways.
Firstly, it is a procrastination crutch. I waste a colossal amount of time watching movies and tv on netflix instant. I have actually watched so much on netflix instant that I have almost literally watched everything that I would want to watch, and am now watching stuff I don't even like. But I watch it anyway so I do not have face the challenges of doing my work. Who knows what I could accomplishing if I actually spent that time on things that were productive and important? I could probably accomplish a lot, but by procrastinating I am not only failing to live up to my potential and cultivating the talents and skills God has given me, but I am also giving myself an easy excuse not to challenge myself. If I do a bad job on something, with this lifestyle I can easily blame it on procrastination. By relying on procrastination and not trying, I avoid looking for areas where I need to improve. Instead of actively contributing to my own development and the work I do, I allow myself to live in fearful denial of my weaknesses. This doesn't help anyone, especially me.
Secondly, it is an emotional crutch. Post-undergrad life is challenging and stressful. I know I am not alone in this sentiment. But after graduating, we feel like we are supposed to know exactly what we are doing. We are supposed to have our lives organized. We are supposed to have steady jobs. We are supposed to be accomplishing all those things we've always dreamed about. That's what we spent the last for years of our lives preparing to do, right? Well yes and no. For many of us, there are a lot of things college did not prepare us for. Our surefootedness in academia does not always translate to solid ground in other arenas. And discovering this is depressing and frustrating, while at the same time we feel like we must smile, put on a brave face, and act like everything is fine. As an emotional person, this is hard to deal with for me. Watching emotional movies and television is sometimes helpful for me, because it lets me get rid of some of that emotional repression. If I'm crying over the death of Romeo & Juliet, it might help take the edge off of my angst over problem areas in my life. But becoming reliant on this surrogate catharsis is not helpful because 1) it perpetuates a cycle of unhealthy repression, and 2) it doesn't stimulate me to address what is really upsetting me in my life. The problems in the movie are finite because the movie will end, but the problems in my life will continue until I address them.
This brings me to my third crutch: avoidance. By absorbing my time, energy, and attention in watching netflix instant, I get to avoid dealing with my own life. I avoid doing difficult work, I avoid doing my errands, I avoid dealing with my own feelings, I avoid dealing with other people and the demands they might make of me, I avoid trying to understand the crazy bureaucratic rules of my master's program . . . I avoid my life. This is not good. I need to be an active participant in my own life. And deep down I know that I am, and that my active inactivity is getting my nowhere fast. I know that I am propping myself on unsteady crutches out of my own fear, self-indulgence and apathy, and this knowledge makes me feel worse. So, netflix instant is not only part of the problem, but it enables the problem and makes it worse. Clearly a terrible coping mechanism!
Therefore when I say I am 'giving up netflix instant' I am actually saying I am going to try to alter this unhealthy mindset and lifestyle. Several months ago in an attempt to break this cycle I made a "List of Things to Do Instead of Watch TV, Internet Video, and Netflix." This Lent I hope to try some of those things on my list and add to some items to it. Working on this area of my life, I know will bring me closer to finding satisfaction and help me listen to God and get on board with the plans He has for me.
But I definitely cannot do this on my own. I'm going to need a large and noisy cheering section.
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